Make Money Online

So this is a very important and special episode for us in Make Money Online. It is 69. Nice.

Mac? Math. Math joke. I mean, I was a math major, so I’ve heard a lot of math jokes. Excellent.

69. Heyo. Yeah. What? 23 times 3? 23 is the Illuminati number. Did you? Really? I did not know that. It’s like this huge conspiracy thing. And I just keep thinking that, like, that was a renunciation of possibility. And they should have gone further and just multiplied it by three. And then you get 69.

But it’s also the number that’s everywhere, right? So like it’s the number that in like and it already is everywhere, and people just say nice on the internet about it, like I just did. This is this is a real thing. 69 is a real thing. Yeah. Yeah. Consult. Productized consulting. We get to do whatever we want because it’s the 69th episode. God help all of you when we’re really old and have to do the 420th episode.

We already released weekly.

What did we do with Kai? So there’s this thing we’ve been meaning to do where, like, people still, even though we don’t really do guests. There’s still a thing where people constantly ask to be guests on our podcast, and we’ve always thought that We should record a podcast episode, but the person who guests has to do it in character as me or Kai and carry on like it’s an actual podcast episode. Like we’re hiring an actor and not an actual podcast guest. We’ve never done this. They’ve all been us. But well, now that we’ve recorded 69 episodes, Kai, there’s a tremendous opportunity. So if you want. Office at draft. nu, email my assistant and she’ll get in touch with you and send an audition reel. And you have to pick either auditioning as me or Kai. Only one audition per person. Only one audition per person. Only one person per audition.

Yeah, it’s like a script reading. They just have somebody else deadpan. The other person. Right? It’s like that one documentary, La La Land. I never saw that. Fuck that movie.

All right. That’s. I mean, I guess there’s got to be a threshold somewhere. It’s just funny that it happens to be a round number, right? I’m sorry? Oh, no, you, you. There’s a list on Wikipedia of everything that’s got a nine, no, and above on Pitchfork. And you know that like Pitchfork understands the optics of when a review begins with a nine. Right. And you know that there’s also an enormous barrier around. Like, have you ever seen an album reviewed at 9. 9 on Pitchfork? No. No. You you skip from like nine, seven to ten, right? So like understanding that, but also like Rotten Tomatoes is different because it’s algorithmically calculated off of many reviews and Pitchfork is one review.

I mean, we’re just fucking around with everybody at the 69th episode of Make Money Online because we’ve earned the right to do whatever we want.

That’s what happens when you get to 69.

Oh man, that’s a great question. Well, what held me back from podcasting? Because this is an interesting thing, because I waffled on podcasting and I had like a couple of ill advised attempts at podcasting. Number one is the editing. And I solve that here by farming out the editing. Hi, Craig. We love you. Hey, applause to Craig. I should have mentioned the company’s name. Podcastmotor. com. Slash Craig dot HTM Um No, he’s been uh editing our shit for the past Oh god, you’re in a quarter now, which I’m so sorry that you have to listen to Kai this entire time. But no, like I got an editor and I have an assistant that just does it for me. So really this is like a question of like I shuffle some deck chairs on Trello. Type some things into a computer blank, and then I talk for an hour and a half with Kai, and then I drag a file, which is the recording with Kai, into another folder. And then a podcast happens.

I want you to fly here now so that you can set this up for me. You click a thing and then you. The problem is that I’m talking into this microphone while I’m petting my dog with two hands. And I’m kind of leaning over, and his chin is on my leg, and it’s really cute, and I cannot. I cannot really excuse myself to do this. My assistant is in New York, and in the absence of that, I just need. I need you to help me, Kai. I’m on my way. Oh, he moved. Wait. I moved.

Basil is the official editor of Make Money Online. I thought that was Craig. Here he is now.

This was amazing. You made $400,000 for our business. You’re fired. Oh my fucking god.

Have they? I don’t think I’ve sold any since the year anniversary.

I have a lot of questions about our Stripe account. My Stripe account. Holy wow. Yeah, that just goes deep. No, I was actually thinking about redesign. This is a real thing.

Slash craig. htm. I was actually this morning, and I didn’t even realize this was because we had the call, but I asked Aaron to get like All the photos off our cameras that we can find. We have a nice photo of us on the top of Victoria Peak together in Hong Kong. It’s very, it’s very sweet, right? And that’s not on our about page. That and I promised lifetime updates on the about page and that seems like the kind of thing just having like a decent picture of the two of us Yeah, to like put on the about page And I think that, you know, I’m saying this right now so that I can force everyone to force me to stay accountable on this. This is the exact kind of thing that I’m like. You know, I could look at a computer and do the about page thing, or I could do literally anything else.

Deck chairs on the Titanic, man.

Oh, yeah, I’ve done that sometimes. Like I’ll go in my Dropbox and then I’ll find out that there’s all this stuff in there that’s like checklists and like SOPs for things that I should be releasing. And I’ll find like four products that all look like a terrific idea that like 2013 Nick D gave up on. Yep. And now it’s like extremely feasible for 2017 Nick D to like totally hammer out in like a week. That was draft analysis. Like, I looked through all of my old shit and found draft analysis just at the bottom of a dusty trunk.

I have a thing called deck chair moves, where like basically I even have a text file full of things that I’ve previously identified as deck chair moves. Going, logging into Drip and looking at literally anything. That’s a deck chair move. Changing the font on my website. Is a deck chair move. Like, like, changing the portrait on my website is a deck chair move, unless it’s like horrendously out of date and doesn’t look like me. But, like, I haven’t changed in physical appearance since I was like 17. So realistically, any changing of my portrait is a deck chair move. Basically, anything where it’s just like puttering along, doing this thing. It’s procrastinating, and you’re horrible, and you need to not do that.

I. Theoretically, the backyard should be installed tomorrow. Tomorrow. It’s been delayed so many like scientific notation number of times. And I have like five texts from my gardener. That I’ve been texting with while recording this episode. I’m like, you’re sure you’re coming tomorrow. She’s like, I’m sure. I’m like, you have these plants. She’s like, yeah, I’m sure By the way, I want to replace all of the river rocks on the side of your garage. I’m like We can do that. We can do that. You can scope creep this. But you’re coming tomorrow. And you’re doing it tomorrow. You have 24 hours.

Some like actual valuable insights. Yes. Craig, cut this out. Please, just cut it all out. Craig’s about to sneeze for 20 minutes.

All you need to do is show up. All you need to do is show up. Just a thing my gardener hasn’t done since March.

Okay, so I found that getting homeowner contractors to do what you want. is actually like you can borrow a lot of tactics from consulting negotiations, like offering an alternative, offering a choice of yeses. Always thinking about the next question to be asking in the playbook and not letting them get off the phone without giving you something approaching a confirmed date. Sort of thing, you know, like all of that shit, like all of the things that allow you to get a call on the books, following up a lot. That’s how I get my electrician to do things. Like I text him like 18 times in two days. Following up on the 10 a. m. text, it’s 11:30 and I’m about to go to lunch. I’m going to eat a sandwich. What are you going to eat? When are you coming and eating that here? Do you still beat your wife? Like, I swear to God. Yup. And when I get. Email intros or text intros to people because there’s no such thing as like finding it’s all Who you know in Chicago. So you don’t understand Chicago social dynamics until you own a home and have to have work done on it. So when I need To figure out, like, say an electrician, right? I have an electrician now, but before that, I was like, well, okay, um, I need an electrician, I need to do this, this, and this. I text two other homeowner friends and my realtor. The realtor gives me something crazy expensive that’s only for the suburbs. And then my two friends are like, You want Leroy? And they send me a V card that just has the word Leroy and a phone number. And I text him like, yo, Leroy, because of course his fucking meme is Leroy. This is real. This is a thing. I’m like, Leroy, it’s Nick. I live in Logan Square at this intersection. And I need this done. What’s your availability look like in the next two days? And an hour and a half later, I’m like, hey, Leroy, just following up on my 10 a. m. text, how’s it going? Next day, I’m like, hey, Leroy, my friend Brie referred me. Just wondering if you’re interested in coming out and doing some work. Five hours later, How are you? And then Leroy replies, Oh, it’s busy. No shit, Leroy.

You want to have a full consulting pipeline? Become an electrician. You’re serious. And then I come over with literally written checks to people, just written first names in the two fields. Yeah, like Leroy Electric. I think I wrote like Leroy Electric or cash. I I live like three blocks, not three blocks, three houses from ATM. Uh-huh. And so I bad ATM. It has a $400 withdrawal limit. And let me tell you, they know when you put the same credit card in twice.

Mustn’t you clean out the self-service like cash hopper? Like, have you ever?

I worked for a Fortune 500 company once that I cannot name, but they are memory issues? It’s like the only NDA thing I’ve ever done. Get me drunk. That’s it. And they are the kind of company that would have a lot of cash in a machine somewhere. Okay, so that narrows it down. That narrows it down. And I found out what the initial draw of cash is in the cash machine. I’ll say it was very interesting.

It’s the 69th episode. I’m not telling you how much cash or what company this was. That’s fine. Because that would involve insight.

No.

Not for you. Not this time.

Hint

You’ll be there for the 69th anniversary of Burning Man, though. Like, is it the 23rd anniversary of Burning Man? We’re getting close on that. That’s like the almost 69th, like a yearning 69th.

I just Googled Burning Man history. Oh. Burning Man. org timeline, 1986. Sora 31. Yeah. The first man burns. Why do they capitalize man? Why do they give you the height of the man? This is really stupid. Why is the handwriting font? What page are you on? What website are you on? The 2015 Burning Man was 69 feet tall. Wow.

Hey, hey, check this out. 70-foot-tall man in 2016. 69-foot-tall in 2015. What does 2017 hold for us?

It’s stoners, they’ll get to it.

What have you gotten yourself into?

I’ve actually, this is real. I’ve been recording this while my dog has been doing truly unmentionable things to himself right behind me. That’s not different or odd.

Yeah, but I’ve never really talked about it on the podcast. Like my dog. So here’s the real problem. Like Basil was neutered late in life, and so he has, I would call, raging testosterone issues. And I don’t really know how to. Also, I had a girl dog growing up, so I’ve never really dealt with the whole like raucous inappropriateness bit. It’s bad. It’s bad.

I’m just glad that I have a microphone such that you can’t. actually hear it. You know, that would be very bad.

I use a sure beta. I believe they call it a 87A. It is a super cardioid pickup. It’s a nice mic. It’s a nice mic. The mic is vastly more expensive than. Even the preamp or any of the other equipment that I have going into it. But the preamp is meant to play nice with this particular type of mic. It’s Supercardioid is basically a weird term for it, it has a narrow pickup pattern, so you have to talk directly into it. So you have to have good mic technique in order to do it. Yeah. And I’ve practiced it, and I’m pretty good at it. And then the benefit is that you can’t hear what is presently occurring directly behind me and is Actually, very loud. Like, loud enough that if I put a microphone next to it, you would never listen to this podcast again.

He fell over. Important Pupdate. He fell over and is panting. At nothing. I think he’s just bored. I think I’ve been recording a podcast for so long. That he just wants food and to walk. And like, I’ve clearly deprived him of these two things.

Um he’s a dog. How are you making that conclusion based on this previous characterization? Like, really now?

He uh face only a mother can love, huh? He’s a cutie, but uh occasionally he noisily folates himself in front of me on a client call. It’s really disturbing.

Oh, he’s done it with the video on. I have to like strategically block the camera. Or, like, move him over with my foot so he’s directly behind me. And he doesn’t stop. Like, that’s funny. You did the thing I was going to say. Like, I think this is one of those things where I have to just empathize with him. Like, if I were in the position where I had the opportunity to do that, it’s like, what’s the one? There was some experiment where like they wired up some marsupial to like the pleasure center of their brain and a button and get and and it’s like the infinite jest thing, right? Like you keep hitting away at the pleasure center thing and you ignore Food or sex or water or other stimuli, and you just die. Mm-hmm. That’s it. You just go. And I think that’s what Basil does. And I’m grateful, if nothing else, that I’ve put him in like a safe environment where he feels okay doing that.

Dog. One dog. Basin will get a friend someday, but not. That day is not today. Tomorrow? Hey, hey, this is the 69th episode. I can talk about stupid bullshit. Did I tell you about um, so I told you about this, and I’m gonna tell everybody else about this. I’m gonna tell you about the dog I saved. Yeah, oh my god, this is perfect for this. So I’m on, I’m biking, and I’m crossing under 9094, which is the inner state of Chicago. It is the busiest street in the Midwest. Something like 10 million people go on it every day, I think. It’s something crazy. Some insane, stupid high number. Stupid high number. And it goes right past downtown and all this. 1994, occasionally you hear of drunk people ending up on 1994 because you hear of them dying. It is an incredibly unsafe place. I’ve heard of punk bikers biking in the emergency lane on 1994. Don’t do that. And the off-ramps on 90-94 are like a particularly bad part because people are still used to going 70 miles an hour and like jockeying for position and crowded traffic. So like you’re on ultra alert. Right. Now keep that in mind. So I’m passing onto the off-ramp, and the next building I see, oh, God, it was like a Beagle-Jack Russell mix. It was like a. Scruffy looking beagle. He had a collar on, but no tags. And he definitely looked like he was somebody’s dog. And he had no leash, and he was just running around very scared in the middle of the street on Belmont Avenue. And I’m like, oh, fuck man. The week before this, I had already stopped two lanes of traffic and saved a dog.

So I’m already like, you know, pretty okay with trying to do this. And I stopped Belmont. On my bike, and I go to like crouch down, and very slowly, I’m like, come on, boy, come on, boy, come on, come on, come on, and dog bolts. Fuck. I lean my bike. Aaron is with me. I lean my bike against a building. Let Aaron take care of it. And I go after the dog. The dog runs fast because it is a Beagle mix. And Beagles are secretly very fast dogs. And he turns left and starts to go up the off-ramp for 1994. Take a deep breath, and I go after the Beagle. There are cars going about 50 miles an hour down the soft ramp. The dog sits in the middle of the off-ramp and looks at me, and I’m like, come on, boy, come on. I take one step and the dog bolts up 9094. And he jumps over the side, and he’s up a hill and over this, the barrier. And I’m thinking, you know what? I can sit here and wait it out, or I can recognize that probably, like, one of two things is going to happen. The dog is already dead, or um What’s it? The I should probably leave, and then the dog will recognize I’m in an unbelievably unsafe environment. I need to get back to the safe environment. I am pleased to report that the second thing happened. So I left, walked around the corner, waited for 30 seconds, walked back, dog is back in the exact same spot in the middle of the off-ramp, and cars are starting to get off the off-ramp. Car. Dog is sitting there looking like a doofus. Other cars are honking at me. One car drives past the dog. And stops, and then a hand comes out the passenger window waving me over. I cut across two lanes of traffic on 9094, walk in front of this car and around to the passenger to the driver’s side. The driver is holding the dog who is standing on the side of the car with his like paws up on the side of the car. Holding him by his collar and like, is this your dog? I’m like, no. Do you know whose dog it is? I’m like, no. No, like. Can you take the dog? And we spend like 30 seconds very carefully handing off this squirming dog into my hands. And I’m comforting it while cars are driving around me. And I get the, and they’re like, okay, well, thank you so much, and drive off. And I’m left in the middle of the off-ramp on 9094. On Belmont Avenue with a dog. I walk over, I run over to the side, and then start to come down, and then Somebody looking panicked, total stranger at holding an empty dog leash. Is at the bottom of the off-ramp. And they’re like, Are you okay? I’m like, Yeah, is the dog okay? Is this your dog? No. You have a leash. Oh, I actually parked my car. My dog is in my car and took the leash. Can we clip the dog? We clip the dog. Another car drives up who saw this entire thing unfold on the off-ramp. And is like, we’re driving to Clyburn District right now. We can take him to the emergency vet. I’m like, are you sure? They’re like, oh, yeah, do you want any contact information to let you know about the the state of the dog? I’m like, He’s chipped, it’ll be fine. I would rather not know what happened with the dog. Right. I would actually rather not know what happened with the dog.

I put this dog in this I and this other stranger put the dog in the stranger couple’s car. They drive off. I hand the stranger her leash. She drives off. And I am left alone on Belmont Avenue with my partner and my bike. Oh my gosh. Then I go to a show. Happy 69th episode of Make Money Online, everybody. We finally fucking did it. We did it. This is the worst thing we’ve ever done.

I’m assuming double your 69s. football.

Oh my god. I want to look at all domains. So let’s just do you know, I’m going to search for example for all domains, which obviously like there will be no options, but like it gives me a list of all of the top-level domains. Um example dot cricket. It’s a good one. It’s a good one. Yeah. Um dot today. Dot network, dot red, dot cloud, dot property, dot foundation, dot services. Dot consulting, pretty on brand. Very good. Dot lawyer. Okay, so when I went to Melbourne, apparently there’s a dot in Melbourne. Do you know this? And like all of the domains on all of the billboards and advertisements were whatever. Melbourne. It was so weird. And then I went to New York and the same fucking thing happened.

That’s fake.

That’s a good one. That one’s forever. Do you get the domain forever? Example. gg is available, everybody.

Python’s Don Gripe. We have to get all of them.

Hell yeah.

I refuse to click on any domain that doesn’t end in. com.

Yeah, there were a lot of Doc Quebecs in Quebec City when I visited because I was in Quebec. Doc Vegas? Where’s Doc Order again? Do they still hold that conference in that awful city?

Yo, fuck Vig. It’s happening right now.

Get out! They can’t hear us.

Do I have to shout louder? You’re all for no, you’re supporting the wrong city.

That’s a little, that’s a little okay. It’s a bit of a reach.

I mean, that’s up to the UK. They probably just like their nick in the like 60s just said we’ll do co. uk org UK, gov UK because The Americans get COM or govnet, and so we need our own com or govnet, and it’s this splinter thing. And it sounds like a normal, practical idea, right? But then you have a whole different set of domains, right? And then you maybe have the nick for org UK and like, I don’t know, whatever, like Brexit UK, whatever it is.

That you registered 100 fucking domains? Yes, you did just say that five minutes ago.

What about scrumptious kiwi or delectable kiwi?

Oh God. It’s funny answering. I mean if anybody has ever written in New Zealand once they have yoga there.

I don’t even know what feedback I got. I got a couple of bits of praise after the 100th. No, it was 100th. It was because we’re on 69 now, the 52nd episode. Some people actually wrote in and they were like, Thank you so much. And I was like, Good, good.

Kai Bai is a thermopen.

That’s riveting.

I mean, we’re probably going to record a 70 unless like. I don’t know. The sensors ban us for this one.

Do you know what they say?

I got a letter from the IRS the other day, actually. This was fun.

Yeah, and the weird thing about the IRS letters is they’re because I know they have to be this way. They’re very like structured and rigorous And so, when you get a letter from the IRS that claims something has gone wrong, that there’s a lot of capital letters and a lot of big problems. But, like. This is usually what happens. Attention! Oh my God, this has happened. If you think that this is okay, you don’t need to take any action. Thank you so much for being part of the IRS.

Yeah, and and it’s and it has like another form in it and I look at it and you panic and you’re like oh wait a minute, it’s just saying that I did the thing. I once got a letter Saying typing in sorry. Oh, no, you, you, you. It’s like typing in LS at like the command line and getting back a five-page form letter.

Here’s a check for 17 cents. Yeah, you like taught to her. You talk to your accountant and they’re like, They tell you everything and then they charge you $300 for the privilege. This is the worst 15 cents I ever spent. You just yeah, you get back 17 cents and then like just for the fact that this like weird haywire thing occurred you like suddenly charged like Oh my god. Aaron, if you’re reading this or listening to this, Aaron is my accountant. I have an accountant, A-A-R-O-N.

If you’re listening to this, I love you dearly and I’m okay to pay you money. Like, you make me money. I had a friend who I got a letter from the IRS that said basically that my address had changed. And they were like. Shocked. And because I had been at the previous address for five years, and they were like, Do you have an apartment number on the address? If you have an apartment number, file this form and do this, this, and this. If you don’t have an apartment number, take no action.

Apartment like poop emoji. Let’s see if the IRS could deal with a filing that involves the poop emoji.

USPS only deliver mail for this plus string of emojis. Turn all other mail to sender, no questions asked. And like Like, your mom sends you a card for your birthday, and they like shred it.

Do you know that in Australia? I think it’s Australia-wide, not just Melbourne, but they have a thing where if you write, like, I don’t want junk mail on your mailbox, they have to honor it.

Right, right. I spend like, I like unsubscribe from two new pieces of junk mail a day. Like, I did it like two hours ago, but like. Yeah, no, that’s real. That’s like, it’s like the do not call registry, but for mail, right? I tell you, would that the USPS allowed you to do that shit, but then like they would lose three-quarters of their business.

No, because I already paid my assistant to unsubscribe from all the things that I got spammed about because I got a house.

I mean, like, I think 100 a month is more than it would cost to pay an intern. At minimum wage or like $15 an hour to manually go through a bunch of forms and beg people.

I think extremely much.

I think that at least in terms of advertising revenue. Because think about it, like luxury brands go after people who clearly flag as having a lot of money. True. My address is on the MLS record as selling for a specific amount of money. And so they know that I can afford that.

Right, and if any credit card provider or like loan or like bank has ever or credit reporting agency has ever sold your data, like You know things like my credit score. You know the things like I’ve never had a, you know, payment go late. And You know that I’m eligible for or a possessor of a specific type of luxury credit card and all these things. I’m I am very much surprised to be one for advertisers because I have a lot of money and you fucking sell to payers. Sorry, I’m providing business value on Make Money Online again, but like, no, I think I’m actually unless. The only thing I’m not valuable to is like crazy, terrible predatory loan agencies and like payday stuff. But like They’re looking to take money from you in like a horribly unethical way, but Casper’s still looking to sell to you in a horribly ethical way.

I feel bad for customer service agents. I really do.

I’m one of those people. I’m married to a Southerner, and one thing you learn from a Southerner very quickly is how to tell someone to go to hell in a way that makes them look forward to the trip. Bless their hearts. And you could weaponize that. Bless their hearts. And you could, you could weaponize that against customer service agents real hard, man.

Okay. This is getting too much in the direction of Actual business value. So I think we need to cut it here. We did it. 69. Boo Yah.