Episode 48:Getting Unstuck When You Feel Stuck
You are staring at a computer screen for too long. Stop that. Get off the internet. Pause this podcast if you have to. Leave your phone and smartwatch at home. Go to a park. Sit on a bench. Stare at a pond. There are ducks in the pond. Ducks are kind of jerks, but the way they swim is cute. You don’t know what time it is. You can hear traffic faintly in the distance. Others care about going someplace, it seems, but you don’t.
Summary
Nick and Kai work through what to do on days when nothing gets done: why you stall, how to get out of it, and the guilt spiral that hits when deadlines slip. The episode starts with Nick’s advice to step away from all screens and Kai’s reframe of procrastination as forgetting who you are. It ends with a case for staying small: not having an audience that expects things of you is what keeps the job fun.
Highlights
- Nick’s prescription for getting unstuck: put down the mouse, leave the computer, go somewhere physical with a paper notebook. The phone counts as a screen; so does the Apple Watch.
- Kai cites Merlin Mann: ‘We procrastinate when we forget who we are.’ His read is that the productive fix isn’t to push harder against procrastination but to resolve the underlying uncertainty about what you’re actually supposed to be doing.
- Nick woke up feeling terrible for no clear reason, took a midday nap, and felt fine. His point: productivity is biorhythmically variable, and taking stock of where you are physically before deciding how to work is the move.
- Kai had been forcing himself through low days and hit burnout. The shift he made: give yourself permission to call it an off day rather than drag forward and produce poor work.
- Nick frames the anxiety around missed deadlines as shame (not doing enough) and fear (the business will collapse). His own example: a two-day slip on a video course people waited four months for is not a grievous crime.
- Kai’s ‘annoyance gradient’: a day or two late barely registers with buyers, but he still catastrophizes to everyone emailing him angry. The error is feeling the aggregate weight of 500 disappointed customers when most won’t actually care.
- Nick’s argument for staying small: not being prominent enough that an audience feels owed something means you can operate with impunity. He calls it ‘comparative obscurity’ and says it’s what keeps the job fun.
Read the transcript
If you aren’t making a sacrifice, why are you even bothering? Because you’re lazy. Yeah. Yeah. Now I thought of this topic because Normally, I feel like I’m a pretty productive type of guy. And like people in the academy and friends and family have reached out and been like, How do you do so much stuff? But then I hit days like today where I’m just like I describe it in the Slack as like, you know, those dreams where you’re trying to run towards the destination, but you keep moving slower no matter how hard you try to get there? It’s like that. It’s like that, but I’m also stuck in quicksand inside of a bowl of oatmeal. And I’m just like, I can’t, nothing is going to get done. And there is shit that has to get done. And I’m just like, how the fuck do I get A, how do I effectively get on stock? B, how did I get to the point where I feel myself stock C? What do I need to be doing differently to prevent A and B from happening again? It’s a lot of questions. A lot of questions.
I think the thing that I do to get unstuck is to put down the mouse and back away from the computer at all costs. Even if you think that everything is burning down and that you absolutely need to be doing this, and Britney Spears is telling you, work bitch in the back of your head, you’re really not. Going to be doing yourself any favors by continuing to work. And I mean, we’ve talked a lot about burnout in the past, but the number one thing that you can do for yourself is like typical self-care maneuvers. And What does that involve? Well, getting away from a computer. More importantly, getting away from a screen. Because the first thing you do when you get away from a computer is you pick up your cell phone. Do you own an Apple Watch? Great. Buy Tynex. You made a mistake. Put down the Apple Watch. Right? Put down the iPhone. Go to a park. Appreciate nature in some capacity. Do you live in Chicago, which is currently a frozen hellscape? Okay, great. Go to a coffee shop. You know, go to a bookstore. Go inside somewhere and just Be present for a moment. Bring a notebook and a pen, a physical paper, goddamned notebook. And write with the pen in the handwriting that has been shot from years of computer use, that you’re ashamed about, and that’s slow, and your hand hurts, and everything is terrible. Everything is terrible because you’ve spent too much time looking at a glowy box. And I’m very sorry. This is much easier said than done, and I’m not always perfect at it. Other self-care things. Taking baths. Are you are you too manly for baths? No one is too manly for baths. You should take a bath. I took a bath last night. Felt great. I immediately just fell the fuck asleep right after. It was wonderful. Not in the bath, but you know.
After the bath, I’m a huge fan of baths. The number one reason I want to buy a house is so I could install a bathtub that is suitable for a six-foot-two man. I have yet to live in a house that is suitable for a six foot two man.
I was taking a bath yesterday, as previously mentioned, and remarking to my partner, you know, we could replace this bathtub with a like eight-person jacuzzi. And she gave me a look like, Why are you making this suggestion? Because it will result in the destruction of our bathroom for some time and probably tens of thousands of dollars of housework. And then she realized that the outcome would be a large jacuzzi. And that’s how you need to be thinking as a consultant, dear listener.
What is the outcome we’re shooting for? Not what are the logistics we’re going to go through, but what is the improvement in life that you will achieve? Endless recursive jacuzzis. I think you’re absolutely right. The stepping away, the stepping back, the turning off the screen, the giving your spell yourself space to think. What I found Just through my own puttering about, is that when I get distracted or when I get into the state that I’m in right now where I’m like, there’s stuff I need to do, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to focus on. Doing just doing work, doing whatever is most on fire in front of me will get stuff done, but it might not be the right stuff. It is that process of backing up. Backing off and giving yourself that clarity to understand, well, what is it I’m trying to do? What is it I’m actually trying to accomplish? Merlin Mann had a wonderful quote. I think it goes something like: We procrastinate when we forget who we are. And I really like that as a quote because, well, if you’re uncertain about what to do, you’re going to procrastinate. And you can either focus on the I’m procrastinating, how do I fix that, or the I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing right now. How do I fix that? Focusing on the procrastination is easy, focusing on the uncertainty is harder, but I think the harder path is the better path here, because if you determine well I’m actually ABC, or in this context, I’m supposed to do this. That gives clarity on what needs to be accomplished. If you just focus on I’m not doing enough things, I’m not creating enough widgets. Well, you might increase the speech you’re making widgets, but are you actually a widget maker? Are you supposed to be a director of widget making? Are you supposed to be doing something else? And I think the two tactics you point out: I mean, stepping back, turning away the glowy things, writing in a book, just Unplugging, getting into a bath, letting your mind go into non-work space are incredibly important. One thing I’ve started to do this year is give myself permission when I get to the state where I’m like, Oh, this is kind of fucked. I don’t know what to do next, and I’m not accomplishing things. I used to feel like I have to drag myself forward and get shit done. And It resulted in burnout. It resulted in dissatisfaction. It resulted in poor quality of work. I finally come around to the point of saying, well, if I’m not getting stuff done, I need to give myself permission to say, everybody has an off day. I’m not going to fire it 100% every single day of my goddamn life.
Yeah. Yeah, you need to be comfortable with the amount that you’re capable of doing on a day-to-day basis, and you need to recognize that that is kind of biorhythmically variable. Like I woke up this morning and Felt bodily miserable, and I don’t know why. You know, like I was tired and irritable. I know I had slept for seven and a half hours. That wasn’t a problem, you know. Like Maybe I slept badly. Maybe I had a bad dream. Maybe I was at the bottom of a sleep cycle when I woke up, or whatever. Maybe the weight of the world is crushing down on me more than usual, you know. Okay, well, keeping all of that in mind, you wake up, take stock of where you are mentally and physically, and you kind of recognize, okay. This is what my body dealt me today. You know, these are the, this is the hand I have. What do I do with it? Now I can sit in bed and answer email. I can Force myself to get out of bed and see what happens. I can set an autoresponder on my iPhone and nope out of the rest of the day. There are many options, right? Like, or I can act like nothing is wrong and then I can just go about my day, or I can just shower and see what happens after I shower, right? Or I can resolve to take a nap midway through the day. That is exactly what I did. I took a nap midway through the day. I feel great now. So that solved my problem. But you don’t really know what you’re doing. So listen to your body and let your body guide what is happening. So another thing, you’re hiding behind Slack and email all day anyways. So like, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no, it’s crazy. And like, just pointing that out, I know that I have a tendency to feel like, oh, if I’m not in my office, I’m not getting work done. Well, if I feel burnt out, what’s the difference between sitting behind Slack and email in my office and sitting behind Slack and email in the coffee shop? Or. Taking two hours off and doing another thing. Like, it’s so easy to assign guilt. I mean, it’s always easy to assign guilt to myself if I’m not accomplishing the things I think I’m supposed to be doing. But what’s the difference between me taking a two-hour break and taking a nap, or going to a coffee shop, or treating myself to lunch, or going to see a movie, and working two hours head down on Project A and not Project B? To anything external facing, it’s the same thing. Kai’s doing a thing. To me, it might be the difference between, oh, this was a shitty day, and oh, you know what? I went and saw Doctor Strange, and now I feel really great and I feel charged, and I’m happy that I was able to switch context and go focus on something else. But Internally, there’s that manifestation of guilt. And I think it’s intriguing to say, like, well, why that guilt? Where does that guilt come from? What’s causing that guilt? Why feel guilty that I’m not being productive enough? What’s causing that? And I don’t quite know what the answer is, but I think it’s something that more people than just me experience.
I think you’re right. I mean, I frame it more as shame and fear. Yeah. I think those are the two things. I feel ashamed that I’m not getting enough done, and afraid that it’s going to result in the destruction of my business. So, for example. You may have heard that I have a video course coming out very soon, and I’ve promised it by the end of November 2016. It is, as of the recording of this podcast, November 21st. I have all of my in-laws coming in in two days so that I can cook a six-course Thanksgiving dinner for them. That means that from 12 p. m. until on Wednesday until Sunday. I cease to exist. So in reality, I have three and a half business days to launch the entire video course site. That seems unlikely, right? And I could be, I could choose to freak out about that. Or on the 30th, I’ll just write an apologetic email, or I’ll just. not tell anybody and then launch it on the second and see what happens, right? So like, that’s not It’s not something that I actually have to care about terribly much because I doubt that people are like tapping their watches and glaring at me on December 1st. I highly doubt that’s going to happen. And so, you know, I can feel guilty and ashamed that I’m not actually fulfilling the deadline. And I do a little bit. I mean, obviously, like, that’s something I want to prom flag as somebody who is honoring his professional commitments and such. But a two day slip on something that people have been waiting four months for does not seem like a terribly grievous crime, you know? And if somebody really wants to get in, I’ll give them early access to the system. And they just get something half-assed.
What always gets me is. I will, similar to how I think you’re describing here, I will presume the worst outcome, like if I miss this deadline, I’m going to get the angry emails from people. And I know that it’s true that there’s a spectrum. There’s like, let’s call it an annoyance gradient. We’re like, oh, it’s a couple days late. Eh, one tick out of a hundred ticks. Oh, it’s a month late. 25 ticks out of 100 ticks. Oh, it’s a year late. 99 ticks out of 100 text. Like, there’s a spectrum there, and if it slips a tiny bit, So, maybe one out of a thousand people will be a little peeved and be like, just checking in, everything’s still happening. But I automatically go to Everybody’s going to email me and they’re going to be very angry. And I already dislike email enough. Oh God, this is going to suck. And it becomes a shame spiral. And There’s no nothing good that comes out of that. But I think, I mean, to take it to like the information product land or consulting land, I often think that As a person who’s producing something, if I slip up on that thing, I feel the weight of the diminished expectations of every single person who’s expecting the thing. Instead of realizing, well, like if they paid $49 for this thing and it’s a week late, a lot of people are really going to care. But I’m like, oh, I have 500 people who paid me $40 for this thing. It’s going to be a week late. And I feel the aggregate of those 500 people. When I shouldn’t. Like, that’s false.
Also, you’re not fancy enough that 500 people are actually going to be knocking down your door. Really, nobody listening to this podcast. Other than maybe Brennan Dunn is fancy enough to have that happen to them. And I’m sorry to cut you down like that, but the solace That you’re going to get from that is that you can operate with impunity. And that is tremendously liberating. You can act in a way that. You can get somebody’s attention kind of selectively when you need to get it, and you’re not forced to account to an audience that Demands things of you in a way that like exceeds your capacity to actually fulfill those demands. And God, that feels so good. It feels so good to have that happening.
Yeah, it’s almost like the balance of power is in your favor, where exactly, as you pointed out, like you’re able to use your influence strategically and get results from it. But You don’t have a large audience that you’re accountable to. And that actually is a competitive advantage, I’d say.
Yeah. I think being able to operate with lower expectations in a state of comparative obscurity is. actually tremendously valuable. I pretty much never want to be I want to be fancy enough in my life that I’m capable to provide for myself and my partner and my dog. But I never want to be so fancy that I’m like expected to travel the world or release something new every year, or I have an audience that feels like they have something owed. To them. And I, the instant that happens, it ceases to be fun. But I have so much fun in my job. So much fun. And that’s partly because nobody gives a crap what I do.